Sometimes nothing matches the fat in our bellies like the fat in our heads.
When I weighed in excess of 300, 400 and even 450 pounds, I was guilty of having a lot of fat in my head – in that I had a unique way of not only lying to the world, but also to myself.
Friends who knew me back in the day (or back in the weigh), knew me to be somewhat paranoid about being out in the real world. And that I was downright terrified to be seen eating in public. Therefore I was committed to always eating in private. I felt as if everyone was judging me and that everyone knew my deep, dark secret. This was sometimes true (like when a little girl at the grocery store wondered out loud about why a man had boobs) and sometimes not true.
But in my head, I felt as if I was constantly being judged. I also felt like everyone could see my Achilles’ Heal (or Achilles’ Tummy, as it were). Thus, I was constantly trying to prove to said world that it was not only wrong about me, but knew nothing about my lifestyle (no matter how much my belly shook like a bowl full of jelly).
Again, my usual tactic for this ruse was to never eat in public. Even when weighing over 450 pounds, I felt that if no one ever saw me eating, they would somehow forget about my girth and think more of me. (And yes, I realize all of this was very self-centered, but I’m just telling it like it is… Or was.)
One example of this was when I would order pizza. Ordering pizza from the comfort of home was a very comfortable binge tactic. Since I was eating for two (okay – four), I loved the idea of ordering from home and having the pizza pie (or pies) delivered right to my door. I didn’t have to set one foot out into the real world, much less catch another human being making eye contact with me while I enjoyed the pizza’s cheesy deliciousness.
But there was always the problem of the pizza delivery driver. For some strange reason, I never wanted him or her knowing that the extra large pizza (or pizzas) were all for me, the 450+ pound man answering the door.
So I came up with the perfect charade. When there was a knock on the door (usually in 30 minutes or less), I would go to the door and shout out, “I’ll get it” before opening the door – as if I were calling out to a room full of people that I’d ordered the pizza for. In my fat little head, I thought for sure this would ‘fool’ the pizza delivery person into thinking that the fat man answering the door wasn’t a human pig and wasn’t going to have much – if any – of the pizza he or she was delivering.
This is all rather comical to me now. But way back when, it was one of my deep, dark secrets and something I did whenever I would order pizza. It’s as if somehow I thought that when all the pizza delivery people got together for a convention, they would all discuss how Gregg McBride didn’t eat much pizza (and was a good a tipper).
Looking back, I can see that I was lying to myself more than I was deceiving the pizza delivery people. I realize now that I wasn’t worried about the rest of the world being witness to my binges. I was worried about my being witness to them. This was one of the many ways I was deceiving myself – and all part of the strange way that I not only kept myself fat, but kept myself getting fatter.
Today, at a healthy 175-ish pounds, I realize that eating in public is quite healthy (no matter what one’s weight). When eating in public, you can see a “Thin Person” eating ice cream or fried foods. And you can also sometimes see them stop eating before they’ve finished whatever portion is in front of them. I can also let others watch me eat (which people do – especially if they know I’ve taken off 250 pounds of excess weight and kept it off). I love for friends to see me eating something considered fattening – and to witness me sometimes finishing the portion and sometimes not. They also see me eating lots of healthy foods – and actually enjoying the taste of such fare.
But more important than other people being witness to my eating, I am witness to it.
I am aware of what goes into my mouth – not to mention aware of how what I eat can not only affect my weight, but also my mood. Being in touch and aware has become such a freeing and valuable tool. It was something I avoided for years by attempting to “trick” pizza delivery drivers and other such food vendors. Again, not that they cared.
So now I ask you: What kind of deceptions are you attempting in an effort to be less aware of what you’re eating (or what you’re not eating)? Have you ever played mental games like this? I’d love to know that I’m not the only one who has tried this. So please, share your details. I promise not to tell the pizza delivery driver if you won’t.
I would always hide what I was eating. I would hide(while I am making supper)..i would sneak a cold hot dog out of the fridge and scarf it down. Then eat a heaping plate at dinner…I am the only “big un” in my house, and it is a bit humiliating. I remember when my daughter was little…she wanted me to stay in the car to take her up to the school…then I realized she was embarrassed by my weight. That should have done it for me right there. I should have said thats it…I have to do something now. She was only 5. She is my best cheerleader during this..with the help of you guys:o). My new friends. It is sooo hard being at work (in a bakery), and everybody is eating whatever they want. I just tell myself that I will be able to wear the clothes that I want…and not have to hope like hell that they have my size (3x). I wear my clothes bigger…so I could probably wear a 2x. Thats another thing that I do…I cut my tags out of my clothes so that my husband doesn’t see what size I am. Like he doesn’t know. hahaha….I have just always eatin’ a lot…I try not to in public…but I always did at home. I am doing good…staying strong…but yet feel kinda alone in my journey. I have to stick with it…my clothes feel looser everyday…:o) My boss always says that she doesn’t eat very much. Well, she has a weight problem like I do…and I really don’t think that she realizes how much she eats. She thinks something is wrong with her metabolism….yeah…I have tried that one before too….it just wasn’t so. LOL I didn’t go to my high school reunion this year because of the “weigh” I look. I was the varsity volleyball…basketball..player. I ran track….I would totally be embarrassed to go see any of them. I just couldn’t do it. Maybe next time. I have never had to do that with the pizza delivery guy..cuz we have a house full. But for a house of 5…I would order way more pizza then we could eat in one sitting…but at night when everybody went to bed…I’d grab a few more cold pieces of pizza…They ate pizza tonight…AND GUESS WHAT?!! It didn’t bug me one bit!! Yee Haw!!
Wow, Sharon! The honesty of your comments and posts is so impressive. You are not alone on your journey. You have the Just Stop Force behind you. (Not sure how many that is — but it’s more than me, I assure you! LOL!) Keep sharing, keep losing and getting “loose” (so to speak). I, for one, wish you had made it to your high school reunion this year. But hey, there’s always the next one. And just wait until you make that rockstar entrance!!!
Oh yeah…I will conquer this!! I am determined. My rough time is between about 2:30 and 5. Snacky snacky time for me. But I haven’t been. I want to be honest with all of this and you guys, cuz I think my honesty might help somebody else too..as well as myself. I want people to know that you are not alone..and that we have all done something about our eating habits that we can laugh at, cry about…you know relate with each other on. I don’t mind putting myself “out there” if it helps somebody lose the weight and add some extra years onto their lives. :o) I think it would help if other people shared too. If not by putting it out in the open like I do…but writing in a journal when they can. I’m just a cake decorator…not a therapist…but I know it helps me as well to “confess” if you will..LOL. I think my greatest support right now is my daughter, this site, and your book, Gregg. I carry it with me in my purse ALL OF THE TIME!! I have a feeling that my husband just thinks that this is another one of my diets that I am on. I don’t think he thinks I can do it. Oh well. I will show him. I will have a smokin’ hot bod once again!! Ok…I say once again like it was yesterday..but really it was in my early 20’s and in high school. LOL..and I am 42! I think I just got caught up in the convenience of eating quick meals..and not taking the time to prepare things. The kicker of it is..I love to cook and bake. I am going to school right now..plus working full time…so if I tell myself that I don’t have time after school is done, then I am lying. No excuses. My rockstar entrance is in the making!!
Go Sharon, GO! You can consider this a thunderous round of applause! You speak for all of us in regard to your challenges and your successes. We are all in this together. And the more we talk, the more we discuss, the less we fall prey to the people, places and things (like Ho-Hos) that have kept us fat. Enough is enough. This is a new dawn and we have the power to succeed. We are all rockstars — in this moment and in the future. 😀
Thanks to you both for sharing your stories! I’ve done a few of the things mentioned in both of your posts. Makes me feel better to know it wasn’t just something I did. Gregg, mine was the drive through..I would ask for extra napkins, straws or condiments hoping the window person wouldn’t think all that food was mine! Fast food is pretty much a thing of the past for me now!
Extra napkins? Straws? Condiments? Been there, done that, Michelle! LOL! You are singing my song! (So good to know I’m not alone in this ruse — thank you!)