Posts Tagged ‘germany’
Old haunts, old pain, new dilemmas
As a grown adult who has not only survived child abuse, but thrived in spite of it, I never imagined I’d suddenly be dealing with the pain (and even shame) all over again at this stage of my adult life—especially since I spent a lot of time examining and processing the goings on and then even writing about them in my recent memoir.
So imagine my surprise when similar issues cropped up anew—in this case at the hands of my father—and I’ve found myself having to once again defend and explain my position to strangers, even though I (and my sister) are the ones who were abused for years and years.
People who’ve read my book often ask me what my father, who’s still alive, thinks of it, given that he’s not portrayed in a positive light (albeit a very truthful one). My answer is simple: My father, who is a textbook definition of a narcissist, hasn’t read my book. And he never will. This isn’t because he’s bitter. It’s simply because he’s just not interested in any subject (or tome) in which he’s not the central character.
Although initially blaming most of the horrors of my sister’s and my childhood on our mother (a textbook definition of a monster), with time and growth, we can now see that my mother was mentally ill (her claims to her second husband, who enabled her up to and even after her death, included that she was a French princess who escaped her country to escape tyranny and later adopted me from Iran and my sister from Germany). For the record, my mom was born and raised in Florida. Oh, and neither my sister nor I were adopted—despite everyone believing we were; and then thinking we were the pathological liars because we tried to convince them otherwise (even when we were young, school-aged children).
This hindsight about my mother is important because, in my humble opinion, it makes my father and my mother’s relatives more culpable for my mom’s sins against her children since they left us alone with her and never interceded—not even when her flights of delusion went public. Then and now, my father was only interested in serving his own interests.
I once joked to my sister, it’s amazing that she and I can tie our own shoe laces given some of the horrors we’ve lived through. Many of the events were so horrific that people think we’re exaggerating to this day. Thus, despite my recent book that shares my story, my sister and I don’t talk about our childhood often. And thankfully, there’s usually no need to. That was then—this is now. And through insight, self-love and inner strength, my sister and I are both not only able to tie our shoes, but are living very happy lives and even have very contented marriages (despite the suggested mold offered by our parents).
But recently, our father has once again put my sister and I in positions in which where we’ve been forced to explain to strangers why we aren’t closer to him and why we don’t have all the information they’re seeking. My father (still a narcissist and still stubborn) was in an accident (a result of his own ignorance) and ended up in a far away hospital, delirious. Out of the blue, we received phone calls from caseworkers (who had to initially hunt us down via internet), needing to know why my dad was in the circumstances he was (at the time of the accident) and why we weren’t able to answer more questions in regard to such and beyond (inquiries regarding his health, contact numbers, etc.).
After a couple phone calls with the hospital caseworkers (who I must admit were very understanding and nonjudgmental), I admitted to my sister that the pain, humiliation and shame of being an abused child had all come rushing back. There I was, on the phone with strangers, trying to get them to believe me when I explained why circumstances were what they were. These calls brought me right back to a time during my teen years—when I called the local police to report my mother’s abuse. Because most of what I was reporting wasn’t physical abuse, they didn’t take me seriously and never responded to my call for help.
Because of these recent incidences with my dad, my sister revealed that she was feeling the same kinds of things I was. And although we live in separate parts of the country, my sister and I were connected by an unspoken bond of emotional numbness for several days after.
I suppose that carrying the title of an adult survivor of child abuse never really goes away. There are always going to be circumstances that bring issues up—especially when the abusers have never admitted their wrongdoing or asked for forgiveness. This can apparently happen even after we have forgiven the offending parties in our own minds (and for our own benefit).
It wasn’t too long ago that my sister and I got word that our mother had passed away—long after her actual death. We hadn’t been notified at the time. We hadn’t been asked to attend the funeral. We hadn’t been considered at all. It became a little clearer why this was the case when we tracked down her obituary online, which stated that my sister and I were [still] “adopted” children. The real kicker to all this is that a few of my mom’s relatives—who know we are not adopted—not only attended the funeral, but also did not question why we hadn’t been invited to attend or even wonder aloud about the obituary full of untruths.
So it seems being a “survivor” of child abuse would be a verb rather than an adjective. And the biggest reminder my sister and I take away from these recent events involving our father is to never feel guilt or shame—not only when describing circumstances, but also (and especially) if people don’t understand or even think we might be being dishonest when talking to them about such.
No matter what any of us has survived in the past, the fact that we’re able to talk about it, find understanding in it—and eventually freedom from it—is worthy of a gold medal of courage. And it seems there will be times when, even after we’ve moved on, people who haven’t (perhaps even our abusers) will force us to once again get mired down in the process that requires us to extract ourselves from otherwise horrific situations (even if just memories from our past).
But just as it was during our healing periods in the past, the mental work—and belief in ourselves—is worth it.
Recipe: Chicken Noodle Soup — Hawaiian-style
Guest Post By JoAnn Takasaki
For some reason, “comfort food” is something I associate with cold winters, cozy fires and flannel. It’s food you eat to warm you from the inside and that reminds you of all the best parts of being a kid. Living in Houston, even the idea of flannel is making me break out into a sweat! But it is October and, based on all the pictures of friends who live in more northerly climes, it’s cool somewhere. So for those of you who get to enjoy the cooler season, here’s a recipe for Chicken Long Rice, excerpted from my collection of family recipes published in Luau Like a Local: The Easy Way.
Wait…what?
I’m sure you’re confused by now. Why am I writing about a so-called “Hawaiian-style” soup, cold winters, and comfort food from Houston? Well, I actually grew up much like Gregg did. In fact, we went to the same high school in Wiesbaden, Germany. His family was military and mine was civil service. My father hails from Honolulu, HI. And though my mother (and co-author) was born and raised in Brooklyn, NY, she learned how to cook from my dad’s mom, who was also born and raised in Hawai’i. So really, I did eat this as a kid in cold climes like Korea, Colorado, Germany. And even in Hawai’i. Because let’s face it: chicken noodle soup is wonderful no matter what time of year!
What started out as an ad hoc effort of collecting as many recipes as possible from my mom for my own use, resulted in me deciding to organize a few of them in some fashion. And I wasn’t sufficiently motivated by merely capturing the recipes, so I promised her that for all the work we were doing to actually measure her “put in some” or “just a skosh” or “to taste,” that I would publish the recipes. That was eight years ago. I finally made good on my promise in March when I self-published Luau Like a Local.
There is a native Hawaiian cuisine but really it has evolved to include the food of the various ethnic groups: Japanese, Chinese, Filipino, Portuguese, Spanish, and more. This particular dish is actually Chinese. And while I promise the easy way (you could really just use store bought chicken broth and pre-cooked chicken, shredded), this recipe is how mom makes it. It’s not particularly hard at all. And is perfect for whatever may ail you!
Chicken Long Rice
Chinese-style chicken noodle soup
This is not as soupy as a typical chicken soup. When served, the bowl should be bursting with noodles and chicken.
Prep time: 30 minutes (10 minutes before, 20 minutes during)
Cook time: 1½ hours
Servings: 8 as a side dish (or 2 for dinner, maybe with some leftover for lunch)
Ingredients
½ small chicken
4‒6 cups water or chicken broth
½-inch slice of ginger, crushed
2 bay leaves
1 teaspoon Chinese five spice
1 bundle long rice (also know as bean thread or vermicelli), soaked in warm water to soften
4‒5 shiitake mushrooms, sliced thin
½ 8-ounce can bamboo shoots, julienned
½ small round onion, sliced thin
⅛ cup soy sauce
Salt and pepper to taste
2 stalks green onion, sliced 2‒3 inches long diagonally for garnish
Directions
1. Place chicken in large pot with enough water or chicken broth to cover.
2. Add ginger, bay leaves, and five spice.
3. Bring to a boil and simmer about 45 minutes to an hour, or until the meat falls away from the bones.
4. While chicken is cooking, put long rice in a large bowl with hot water to soften.
5. Prepare the shiitake, bamboo shoots, onion, and green onion for garnish.
6. Remove chicken from broth and pull meat from bones, returning meat to broth. Discard bones.
7. Add long rice noodles, mushrooms, bamboo shoots, and onion.
8. Simmer until about half of the broth is absorbed. Season with soy sauce, salt, and pepper to taste.
9. Garnish with green onions.
Excerpted from “Luau Like a Local: The Easy Way” by JoAnn and Susanna Takasaki. Used with permission.
About Luau Like a Local: The Easy Way:
Within 24 hours, Luau Like a Local: The Easy Way went to #1 on Amazon in Hawaii cookbooks. The reviews have all been 5-stars with praise for the gorgeous photography (by Toman Imagery), humor, and the well thought-out planning guide and shopping lists. “I found the recipes to be very clear, with options for doing things the traditional way or the more practical way for those of us with small kitchens and no access to exotic food markets. The photos are gorgeous and the shopping list at the end was incredibly helpful!” wrote one Amazon reviewer.
About Guest Blogger JoAnn Takasaki:
JoAnn Takasaki (pictured here, right, with her mom) started writing about food with two columns in the new Midtown Paper back in 2003. She decided to make the jump to full time writing in 2004 in hopes of “being paid to eat and get massages around the world.” While she didn’t exactly realize that dream, she did end up writing the Houston destination guide in AirTran’s “Go!” magazine for three years and her restaurant and bar reviews were syndicated out to many hotel and travel sites including AOL and Yahoo! Travel. She gained enough notoriety to catch the eye of then Executive Producer Geoff Roth of FOX26 Houston News and was the first Houston Food Blogger to be featured on the evening news in the popular segment. In 2011, she decided to focus her efforts on growing her Houston-based copywriting and content development agency, GlobalWrites, but she still has a bit of a foodie following on Facebook and Twitter. You can keep up with the latest developments for “Luau Like a Local” on the Facebook page or by searching #LuauLikeALocal.
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