Posts Tagged ‘lying to myself’
Sometimes nothing matches the fat in our bellies like the fat in our heads.
When I weighed in excess of 300, 400 and even 450 pounds, I was guilty of having a lot of fat in my head – in that I had a unique way of not only lying to the world, but also to myself.
Friends who knew me back in the day (or back in the weigh), knew me to be somewhat paranoid about being out in the real world. And that I was downright terrified to be seen eating in public. Therefore I was committed to always eating in private. I felt as if everyone was judging me and that everyone knew my deep, dark secret. This was sometimes true (like when a little girl at the grocery store wondered out loud about why a man had boobs) and sometimes not true.
But in my head, I felt as if I was constantly being judged. I also felt like everyone could see my Achilles’ Heal (or Achilles’ Tummy, as it were). Thus, I was constantly trying to prove to said world that it was not only wrong about me, but knew nothing about my lifestyle (no matter how much my belly shook like a bowl full of jelly).
Again, my usual tactic for this ruse was to never eat in public. Even when weighing over 450 pounds, I felt that if no one ever saw me eating, they would somehow forget about my girth and think more of me. (And yes, I realize all of this was very self-centered, but I’m just telling it like it is… Or was.)
One example of this was when I would order pizza. Ordering pizza from the comfort of home was a very comfortable binge tactic. Since I was eating for two (okay – four), I loved the idea of ordering from home and having the pizza pie (or pies) delivered right to my door. I didn’t have to set one foot out into the real world, much less catch another human being making eye contact with me while I enjoyed the pizza’s cheesy deliciousness.
But there was always the problem of the pizza delivery driver. For some strange reason, I never wanted him or her knowing that the extra large pizza (or pizzas) were all for me, the 450+ pound man answering the door.
So I came up with the perfect charade. When there was a knock on the door (usually in 30 minutes or less), I would go to the door and shout out, “I’ll get it” before opening the door – as if I were calling out to a room full of people that I’d ordered the pizza for. In my fat little head, I thought for sure this would ‘fool’ the pizza delivery person into thinking that the fat man answering the door wasn’t a human pig and wasn’t going to have much – if any – of the pizza he or she was delivering.
This is all rather comical to me now. But way back when, it was one of my deep, dark secrets and something I did whenever I would order pizza. It’s as if somehow I thought that when all the pizza delivery people got together for a convention, they would all discuss how Gregg McBride didn’t eat much pizza (and was a good a tipper).
Looking back, I can see that I was lying to myself more than I was deceiving the pizza delivery people. I realize now that I wasn’t worried about the rest of the world being witness to my binges. I was worried about my being witness to them. This was one of the many ways I was deceiving myself – and all part of the strange way that I not only kept myself fat, but kept myself getting fatter.
Today, at a healthy 175-ish pounds, I realize that eating in public is quite healthy (no matter what one’s weight). When eating in public, you can see a “Thin Person” eating ice cream or fried foods. And you can also sometimes see them stop eating before they’ve finished whatever portion is in front of them. I can also let others watch me eat (which people do – especially if they know I’ve taken off 250 pounds of excess weight and kept it off). I love for friends to see me eating something considered fattening – and to witness me sometimes finishing the portion and sometimes not. They also see me eating lots of healthy foods – and actually enjoying the taste of such fare.
But more important than other people being witness to my eating, I am witness to it.
I am aware of what goes into my mouth – not to mention aware of how what I eat can not only affect my weight, but also my mood. Being in touch and aware has become such a freeing and valuable tool. It was something I avoided for years by attempting to “trick” pizza delivery drivers and other such food vendors. Again, not that they cared.
So now I ask you: What kind of deceptions are you attempting in an effort to be less aware of what you’re eating (or what you’re not eating)? Have you ever played mental games like this? I’d love to know that I’m not the only one who has tried this. So please, share your details. I promise not to tell the pizza delivery driver if you won’t.